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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dos and Don'ts for a Happy Gay Life

I have been thinking recently about some of the little quirks that exist in the gay community that make us look, well, stupid. And I thought I might put together a little list of things that might enhance the experience of being out and gay in the big D. Here we go:

1. Don't brag about living at the Illume. It is a shabbily constructed architectural abortion with beautiful balcony views of parking lots. And face it, if you live there, you are likely to drive a leased luxury car. Between the car payments and the rent, you are not likely to afford furniture on your salary.

2.When creating a profile on a dating or networking site, don't tell us that you want to meet an intelligent person who can hold a conversation if your profile is then filled with grammar errors and misspelled words. Know the difference between dominate, the verb, and dominant, the adjective. Know that your is possessive and you're is the contraction for "you are." Know that their, they're and there are different words with different meanings. Know that apostrophe s shows possession, not plurality. Sheesh. Didn't any of you make it out of third grade?

3. Never piss off the doorman at the Drama Room. He'll grab you by the tits and kick your ass if you cross him.

4. To my young friends: not everyone is 22, an Abercrombie model and hung like a grandfather clock. Branch out a bit. Some off sizes can be loads of fun.

5. To my older friends: If you're into younger guys (and I am), most of them will want your money before your love. Those that claim otherwise probably have some serious issues with their biodads. Remember that boys under twenty-five can't see beyond their next cocktail and not only won't, but can't understand how their disregard for your feelings could really hurt you. If you can live with that, then by all means shop in the kids department. But if you can't, prepare to be hurt and lonely and consider a hunk over thirty.

6. Remember that life is a time line. What you did in the past cannot be changed, what lies in the future is unknown. Be a good Buddhist and live in the present, rejoicing in who you are and what you have to offer. The moment you radiate that confidence in yourself is the moment when that man of your dreams will be attracted to your aura.

7. Most people, if given half a chance, are pretty nice. On the other hand, there are lots of arrogant bitches out there too. Give most people half a chance. Slap the bitches and move on.

Happy Hallowe'en.

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